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She knows that I've been trying to get pregnant; knows about all our struggles. Yesterday she invited me over for lunch and she spilled the beans. "I'm pregnant." At first I wanted to cry, and then I remembered that this was not about me. Her being pregnant has nothing to do with my infertility. She was afraid to tell me. She was worried I would be upset. And I was. I am. Like many people who suffer with infertility, it just seems like everyone is pregnant but me. K hardly ever sees her bf because he works out of town 3 weeks at a time. Sweets and I time our intimate moments and still no dice. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her. She deserves to be happy. To be a mother. I just wish I could join her.
K is a big believer in "The Secret". The idea that you have to put out positive energy and it'll come back to you. She said that she's been visualizing herself pregnant, in the hospital, pushing a stroller. She insists that I start to do that too. I don't know. I tried it, but I'm having trouble seeing it. Perhaps it's because the optimism has been removed from my heart. All the pain of the disappointments have scarred me in some way, preventing me from seeing things on the other side.
I don't know how this will change our relationship. I love K dearly but I don't know if I can constantly listen to the baby talk. I want to be the good friend but how? How do you celebrate a friend's "surprise" pregnancy while you're suffering? Argh...
Hi there! It's "Irish" from FT. I just wanted to let you know that I'm following your blog and I'm still right here with you. Fighting the good fight, so to speak. Just yesterday, I was noticing how many ladies are pregnant here at work. This isn't a female friendly, much less a pregnant female friendly, workplace so it was really odd to see so many pregnant bellies yesterday. I just can't stand it some days. Here's hoping the visualizing works for you.
ReplyDeleteIrish/Eileen! So wonderful to hear from you. I think of you often. I hope you're doing okay. Have you been on the forum lately? Personally, I've had to reduce my time there. Reading up on the blogs is my main connection to the IF community.
DeleteIt is hard to "visualize" when we've been kicked down repeatedly. Your friend is like so many others who (as far as I know) have not walked this road of repeated disappointments. We finally get to a place where it's painful to hope, painful not to hope, sometimes painful to breathe. Only you can know what is best for you. You may have to pull back at times and hope that she understands. I'm sorry. Even though I am surrounded by pregnant bellies at work, currently none of my friends are in the mix.
ReplyDeleteWho would have ever thought that hoping would be painful? Seems counter intuitive.
DeleteI have trouble believing that "visualizing" stuff. It may work for some things, but infertility is a different ballgame. I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your friend. I definitely know how you feel! It is one of the worst things about infertility is how is puts a wedge between friends and alters relationships.
ReplyDeleteI really hope it doesn't put a wedge between us. She just moved back recently and we've rekindled our friendship. I really value her in my life and hope that I have the strength to tell her when I can't listen to the baby talk anymore.
DeleteI think those that push the positive Peggy pants stuff have already achieved what they wanted, and it's always easier to do so from the greener side of the fence. Infertility is a medical condition, no visuals can cure that.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend fall preg end of last year and I was angry at her. I was being selfish. I came around and ended up excited and asking questions if she didn't offer baby talk. Then I get the dreaded text to say she was bleeding and what to do. She ended up with a mc and I felt guilty as hell.
As long as she doesn't go off with the fairies and forgets about your feelings. It can work. Respect for each other is the key I think.
Yep, everyone else is preg, I always feel like this. I'm surprised you are not pregnant just from me visiting your blog..
I know all too well about guilt. When my friend Emma passed away, I felt such guilt about being jealous of her pregnancy. I still feel guilt when I see photos of her little girl.
DeleteI get this feeling completely. Everyone around me seems to keep getting pregnant! It's making me crazier by the minute. I wish I could have been as composed as you sound when my brother announced their pregnancy. I held it together, but I cried for two hours after we hung up the phone. And I think what hurt me the most was that I couldn't be genuinely happy for them like I was the last two times. It was a "they weren't even trying and didn't want another one" and I can't even get one! It hurt. Then they lost it and it hurt more. I didn't have time to celebrate it and could only imagine the hurt. Now, I worry when I think about possibly (hopefully) having to announce a pregnancy in the next month or two. I know it will hurt them and I don't want that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the idea that it's easy to push visualization and positive thinking when you're in a good place. I must say that I did four months of meditation and visualization and nothing changed - in fact my medical condition became worse. I think that positive vs negative attitude can help in some situations, but I don't think that it can fix IF.
Peg, when she said that she had something to tell me, my heart sank. I knew she was pregnant. She hadn't been using protection. She had been pregnant years ago once before but lost it. So I knew that it would just be a matter of time. I'm thankful that she understands where I'm at. I am excited for her but I don't think she gets the fact that no amount of visualization can help with a medical condition. There is either something seriously wrong with my uterus, my eggs or his sperm cause nothing is sticking. No amount of visualization can change that.
DeleteThank you for this post and for your blog. We have been trying for over two years and I have found your blog to be very honest and true to what I am feeling as well.
ReplyDelete