Canada Day. Bad news. Good news.

Happy birthday Canada!

It's been difficult to find reasons to be grateful lately.  I have more than my fair share of shit to deal with.  But setting that aside, I am incredibly grateful to live in Canada.  

In 1970, my parents, along with my big brother who was 4 at the time, moved to Canada to build a new life.  While working in a paper mill in Finland, my father saw an ad to come help start up a new paper mill in Canada.  he jumped at the opportunity.  My mother was less than enthusiastic.  When they landed and were driving on the employee bus to town, all my mom saw were trees.  Rows and rows of trees. Mountains.  Rivers. Streams. No people.

Having lived in a very urban area in Finland, my mom was shocked.  She looked at my father and demanded, "What kind of hell have you brought me to?"  The plan was to stay for two years, build up a solid savings, and move back home to Finland.  Two years later, I arrived.  The talks of moving back ended.  Canada gave my parents opportunities that they may not have had in Finland.  My mother stated that they wouldn't have been able to afford a second child if they had remained in Finland.  There would have been no me.  

Happy birthday Canada. Thank you for giving my parents a wonderful opportunity. 

It's been tough since the D&C. I've had to remind myself frequently that life isn't total crap.  Dealing with the miscarriage is tough enough but then at school we lost 3 students in a month.  Two in a drowning and one from a form of juvenile Huttington's.  The school was thrown into emotional chaos.  My school is recognized as inner city, and we have all the issues that inner city schools have.  Those students who were walking a fine line between success and failure suddenly dropped off.  It was difficult to watch my students struggle. 

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life.  My father has been ill.  He suffers from pancreatitis and has had pain for the past year.  But lately something has changed.  He went for a biopsy on Father's Day. Last week the tests came back. 

Pancreatic cancer.  Fuck. Pancreatic fucking cancer.  I have never heard of any survivors of pancreatic cancer.  All the "celebrities" that I know who have had it die.  Steve Jobs.  Randy Pausch.  Patrick Swayze.  Pavarotti.   Cancer sucks but this type cancer fucking sucks.  Seventy-five percent die in the first year of diagnosis. 

 On the plus side, the growth is small - less that 2cm.  And it hasn't spread anywhere else.  It's just in the pancreas.  My dad will be coming down south for some more tests in a little over a week.  All I can do is be hopeful and optimistic.  I have to be strong for my dad.

Even though it's been a tornado of crap in my life lately, I do have some good news.  Today I took a cheapie HPT and it came back positive!  The line is light so that's a wee bit disconcerting.  So I'll be going to the store and purchasing some more tests just to make sure.  I've read that after a D&C implantation is more likely.  To be honest, I didn't think a natural pregnancy would be possible!  With Sweets's slow swimmers, I didn't think we could actually get pregnant without assistance.  

Of course the fear has already creeped into my mind and I'm doing my best to keep it at bay.  According to my calculations, I'm 5 weeks today.  Fortunately I have a doctor's appointment already scheduled for Thursday.  I'll ask for a beta then.  Hopefully the numbers are awesome.   

We all need some good news right now and this is the best news for our family right now.  It's a freaking awesome surprise.